july's jingles

oh, hey there, my three readers. thank you for your lovely comments on june's playlist! and, here we are for another round of only posting the playlist on the blog. writing takes time, y'all. and, as soon as i sit down to pen what is sure to be riveting stuff...squirrel! i have so much to share, say, tell you, but i don't know that it belongs here in the design space. i want to shift this space a bit. get more real. but i don't yet know what that looks like. if you've got idears, let 'er rip!

the ol' shazam paid off this month with 15 songs for me to share with you! no idea where I heard most of them, but whatevs yo! i heard the norah jones version of i think it's going to rain today on the sarah pandora station the other day, and i was thrust back into a 1988 movie theater trying to see thru the gallons of tears i was crying during beaches. the soundtrack was my first CD, and i listened to that thing ad nauseum. hearing it reminded me just how much i love me some bette midler, and that i can quote beaches like nobody's biz.

so you've heard the paramore song, have you? well, i've somehow avoided it's radio overplay. a friend brought it up when we were talking about how it kinda blows to get older and have to weed thru crap like miscarriages and jobs. one listen and it was love.

speaking of sarah Pandora stations - some girlfriends and I went to see her at chateau st michelle last weekend, and it was amazing. as always. if you've never seen her, make it a point. she rocks it! you'll be pleasantly surprised. but maybe don't go to chateau st michelle. i've heard they frown on cutting lines, sneaking your own booze in, and dancing in the aisles. but, i've just heard that.

on to the music!

a decade of memories

today is our 10 year anniversary. yep, mr man and i - married 10 years! in some ways it feels like it's been forever, and in other ways - say what now? 10 years?

and, what wonderful years full of ups and downs they've been. 2012 and parts of 2013 have kicked my ass. and mr man? always - ALWAYS - there to reach down and pick me up. full on carry me along if he has to. if i ever doubted his love was unconditional, i need only to look back and see that he's been my rock solid kick stand, never once complaining, and always with a smile on his face.

we meant what we said - in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. how 'bout we take a walk down memory lane, hmmm?

in 2004, we celebrated our first anniversary in vegas with friends. the girls spent all day at the pool, while the boys slept in to recover from staying up all night gambling. everyone says the first year is the hardest, but i loved our first year. after so many years of 'playing house', we were finally an old married couple!

2005 was a big year. i turned 30, and we celebrated with a dreamy trip to mexico. we bought our first house, celebrating our 2nd anniversary eating off paper plates in the new dining room, and dealt with all the fun that brings with it! our friends started having babies, making us the cool auntie and uncle we always wanted to be. and sadly, will's grandma died, and my parents got divorced after 30 years together. big year, indeed!

in 2006, we celebrated our anniversary with our first trip to portland. the seahawks made the super bowl. and, will turned 30. i wanted it to be one to remember, so we packed up and headed to notre dame for the first of many, many 'football trips'. i might've created a monster, y'all.

2007 took us on a tour of the south for the football trip. we finished up at LSU, where baby sister was starting her freshman year. mr man had to get this beauty for every halloween/new year/costume party. hell, he's been known to sport it on a random tuesday. we spent a whirlwind weekend updating our guest room so our numerous visitors felt right at home and wouldn't want to leave. it didn't work.

in 2008, we took our first wine tasting trip, and decided to make it annual after the first sip. we celebrated our 5th anniversary in san fran. i experienced the joy (not) of being laid off, but luckily got another job quickly. middle sissy got married, and we spent the holidays in NYC and on a cruise to the bahamas.

2009 made us an actual auntie and uncle when sweet p came along. we took a trip to puerto rico, and the football trip became trips. i got to enjoy another layoff, but created rosita designs as a result. and, i joined some gals on the 3-day walk, which is easily the hardest thing i've ever done - for a wonderful cause!

we celebrated 10 years in seattle in 2010. i turned 35 and whooped it up with a rockin' 80s party and a girl's trip with the fam to hilton head. instead of 1 or 2 football trips, we amped it up to 3 or 4. and, tragically, we experienced the sadness that comes with miscarriage.

we gained a nephew and a godson when coogie was born in 2011. baby sister came to visit for a month and whipped me into organization shape. we had friends join us on our annual wine trip, and beg them to come every year now. will's 35th birthday meant a band in the basement. (wife of the year!) will's grandpa passed away, and we experienced the painful loss of baby #2.

2012 - the year of the sucker punch - had so many bright spots, too. we spent the entire year traveling - dallas, grand cayman, LA, boston, NYC for thanksgiving, college station. baby sister got married, and i decided i needed to try pink hair! the football obsession grew to epic proportions - mr man saw 17(!) games live. in a seat. like, not on tv. epic.

this year has had its ups and downs too. we've had visits from my entire family, and mr man's baby sister. we convinced our friends to join us on our wine trip again. but, sadly, we lost my sweet, sweet paw paw in may. it still doesn't seem real. and, football widowdom began last night, and the first trip is next weekend.

wow! what an amazing 10 years it's been. i love that man more today than yesterday, and more today than the day we were married. our wedding was so beautiful, full of love and joy, but our marriage blows the wedding away. i love you mr man. thank you for the last 10 (+6) years. i'm so excited to see what the next 10 years have in store for us.

i think ol' pablo said it best

   I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
   or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
   I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
   in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

   I love you as the plant that never blooms
   but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
   thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
   risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

   I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
   I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
   so I love you because I know no other way

   than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
   so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
   so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

in the club

we're gettin' all personal - real, real dang personal - up in here again.
i'm feeling nudged to tell my story, no matter how messy, no matter that others have told similar stories. and, if it helps just one of you, then that is why i've put finger to keyboard. so, settle in, it's a long one, folks.

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a few years ago, i joined the club. i didn't ask to be a member; no one does. and, it seems this club's rules are kinda similar to fight club - you don't talk about the club. well...i need to talk about the club. and, i'm quite certain there are others out there who need to talk about it, too. because, you know what? keeping secrets tears holes in the soul. giant, life-changing holes.


i joined the miscarriage club.   twice.    and, this is my story.


yea, yea, yea, you thought we never wanted kids. well, when your friends and sister start having kids, and the years speed by to your mid-thirties, and society makes you feel worthless if you're childless, sometimes minds change. so...you try to get pregnant. 

and, i got pregnant in october 2010.

and, couldn't schedule our first ultrasound fast enough. my timing was perfect - right before the holidays, so we could give the gift of being aunties, uncles, grammas, grampas, cousins. then i signed up for all the baby emails (mr man, this week our baby is the size of a pecan!), dreamt up 'how to tell everyone' ideas, and stressed over what to 'drink' at holiday parties.

brimming with excitement at the doctor's office, we glazed over all the statistics and test scheduling, our sole goal being to hear the heartbeat! finally, the machine wheeled in. let's have a look at your baby! awkward silence let me just move around a little more. awkward silence you know, i'm no good at viewing these things. awkward silence i'll be right back.

and, heart hit floor. pieces of it are surely still there. doom. denial. tears. and, mr man had to go back to work. alone, terrified, numb, i was sent off to the big ultrasound, for more awkward silences and...

i'm sorry, but the baby has no heartbeat.

no heartbeat. no heartbeat? wait, what?! nononononoooo. there's NO way. my sister just had a miscarriage. why would god do that to me? after i finally decided to try for a kiddo. when i'd already come up with a clever holiday announcement.

well, folks, there's nothing clever or exciting about calling your mama and sissies to say - thru the ugliest of tears - i'm pregnant...but the baby has no heartbeat. how do you give that much pain to people who never thought they'd hear the first two words from my lips?

how do you process feelings of epic grief, when you haven't even really processed the thought of being pregnant? when your body fails you by rejecting life enough to miscarry, but not enough to finish the process? when you have to make decisions in split seconds, then figure out how to live with them morally, emotionally, physically? when the holiday loses most of its sparkle in the blink of an eye? when your husband doesn't know what to say, much less anyone else you're likely to tell?

if you're me, you cry. a lot. buckets. and, throw stuff. like tantrums that would make a 3-year-old blush. i tend toward the dramatic side, if you weren't aware. 

then, i chugged down a healthy dose of denial (they're totally wrong), made the split second decision required of me (avoidance), and went to my family cocoon for the holidays. holidays that went by in a blur of family get-togethers, anger, more ugly tears, and waiting for the inevitable. all while trying to muster the courage to pretend i felt like celebrating a new year. what was the point?

of course, my body wasn't having any of the inevitable, so i had to face what i'd been avoiding from the beginning. unflattering white gown, legs in stirrups, breathe thru the pain. oh, the pain. and, the helplessness. and, a heart broken in two. it's almost over. we're so sorry. 

i get why no one wants to talk about, hear about, think about it - cuz it friggin' sucks. and there's not a damn thing anyone can do about it. no one can tell you why or how it happened. there are no reasons they can give you. and, life? it keeps spinning madly on, paying no mind to those who are run over. those who would rather stay curled up in bed with a box of kleenexes, than go thru the motions. pretend. smile. 

and, there was a whole helluva lot of pretending and plastered smiles. at least until someone tried to tell me how bad their day/month/year/life was, then BAM - bomb dropped. oh yea? shut it! i can top you. so lovely of me, right? but, my way thru tends toward the angry side, and i was pissed. why the hell did everyone around me get to have babies? why.the.hell were there so many pregnant women EVERYWHERE i turned? couldn't anyone see the pain behind my fake smile? pity party of one, right this way!

oh, but i've been the person ignoring the pain behind the smile. with lines like oh, i'm so sorry. at least you can get pregnant. miscarriages are so common. 1 in 3 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. all while trying to run away to avoid having to feel any more of their pain. how could i expect sympathy when i was so callous?

oddly enough, my faith didn't feel too shaken after. in fact, i sought solace in church, christian friends, christian blogs, and favorite scriptures. sure i was a little perturbed that god wasn't going along with the plan i'd created for myself, but i felt comfort in these words.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord,
plans to prosper you and not to harm you, 
plans to give you hope and a future. ~jeremiah 29:11

it's taken 2 years for me to see that my story needed to be told. that there may be a lovely lady out there who is suffering in silence, and has no one to tell her this friggin' sucks. if you or anyone you know has gone thru this and is still reeling, i wanted to offer some suggestions for baby steps on that looooong road of healing.

name your baby - whatever your beliefs are, that was your baby. as soon as you saw the +, you started dreaming about your life with a little munchkin. something that's meaningful to you is perfect. my babies are hope and joy, and based on my belief, i find peace in knowing my family and i will meet them one day in heaven.

memorialize your baby - take the time to mourn the loss of your hopes and dreams. paint a picture, write a poem, plant a tree/bush, release a balloon. we chose to toss flowers into the sound (picture above). include family members if that's your thing.

allow yourself - to be pissed. to think this sucks. to cry. to wail. to throw stuff. just allow yourself. it's ok to be sad. sometimes, it hits when you least expect it. allow yourself time. as much time as you need. if you're like me, you won't be able to tell your story 1 and 2 years later without sheddin' a tear. IT'S OK. and, it's possible you'll never get over it. and, that's ok, too.

tell your story - don't be like me and keep a big soul hole of a secret. miscarriage doesn't have to be a dirty word. and, if there are people in our club, we want to welcome them. plus, your story matters.

For everything there is a season, 
and a time for every purpose under heaven.
~ecclesiastes 3:1

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i didn't tell this story for pity or as a bomb drop for those who know me, but not this part of me. i told this story for all the women who suffer in silence every day over this heart break. if you've got encouragement, ideas to add, or feel compelled to share your story too, rock on in the comments, or send me an email. let's be here for each other, sisters.

Well . . . a Deep Subject

do you ever have one of those days when you realize you're in control of nothin'? well, yesterday was one of those days for me. so, i gave in. i.gave.in. took a mental health day. a break. a deep, cleansing breath. i gave in.

i slept in til 9:30. i caught up on daily blog reads. i made a date with the latest real simple over brunch. (i found TDF [to die for]gravy, which is saying a whole helluva lot around here.)

i christened my toes the perfect shade of turquoise to match my blue mood, then admired them against the waters of elliott bay and the gorgeous skies overhead.

i cracked open a bottle of vino at the respectable hour of 3 pm and cheerzed (it's a word, people!) myself, with the space needle as my backdrop.

and, i thought. i realized how much i take this city and it's gorgeous water and cool breezes for granted. how much i take everything for granted. my mamma. my sweet sistys. my lovely, wonderful husband, and his UN.CON.DISH.ON.AL love. he loves me with no conditions. not even one. my God, who still saves me with his Grace, no matter how many times i sin or ignore Him.

so, i had one of those days and i'm sure i'll have another one. but, not so long ago, i decided to let go, and let God. so, that's what i'm doing. i don't know where tomorrow will take me, but i know this is just a fleeting moment.

and, i want to tell you, those of you with all your support, and your holding me up when my load is just.too.heavy, you will NEVER, EVER know how much the support is/was needed. thank you. for the unconditional. for the understanding. for the virtual kickstand.

i'm truly not sure how i got so lucky, but i'm done with the taking it for granted. now, go hug your loved ones, cause they just might not be here tomorrow.

for i know the plans i have for you, says the Lord.
plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you a hope and a future.

~jeremiah 29:11